Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
