Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
