I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
