I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
