i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win