He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins