he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.