btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
