we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
