the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
