things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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