I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
