I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
