Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
