He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
