My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
