listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
