Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
