Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just had sex on a roof
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
