rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
