i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't put those talents on a resume
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
