Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
