I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
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It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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