i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
where are my eyebrows?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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