I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
