I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
