Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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