someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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