My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
