I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
