I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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