i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
