Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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