also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
