your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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