yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
