I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
