Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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