Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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