it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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