is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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