Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
