I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
