I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
