i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
