I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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