Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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