I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm like, not good at living.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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