Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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