Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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