I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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