no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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