my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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