just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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