a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
