Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
