I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
