We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
