this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
