around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
