When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
